A Prayer...

Dear God,

Almighty father, this is the first time I have ever written a letter to you. Most of our interactions were in a form of my private verbal conversations which consisted of general thoughts and realizations but I have taken the time to compose this letter so that I can organize my thoughts and specifically tell you everything that I want you to know.  This past few years has been so challenging to me although I’m not complaining I just want to express my thoughts on things that really matter to me. I know I may forget to talk to you sometimes due to circumstances but we both know that you’re right here in my heart always – keeping me humble and good-hearted. You, almighty Father, are the only one I can truly put my faith in, you are my true strength, my father, my friend, my confidant, my mentor, my prince charming even. You are the only one who sees me in my entirety – free from judgment, from discrimination and prejudice. You alone can understand the complexities of my personality and accepts me whole-heartedly.  So, Father, I’m asking you to hear me and aid me on my journey to self-discovery and true happiness.

Let me take this opportunity to reflect on all the things I have done wrong. Father, I have sinned and I’m asking your forgiveness for I did not know what I was doing – I wasn’t thinking of You when I did all those things - I let hate and bitterness occupy my heart, I gave in to various temptations, I let my “inner demons” cloud my judgments, and I have put other things like money, desires, and passion above You. I apologize for hurting other people – may it be intentional or unintentional, physically, and emotionally, for all the deceit I have done and taken part in, for letting all seven major sins take over me, and for doing and thinking of acts that dishonors and tarnishes your great name. Father, I’m sincerely humbled.

For twenty-six years, despite the unfortunate events in my life, I have been so blessed thanks to you Father. You have given me a life that was filled with valuable lessons, memorable experiences and little anecdotes that remind me of the simple things that matter to me. These and more are the reasons why I appreciate life, I appreciate You. It has been a series of rollercoaster rides – I have been through velvet and chains, experienced luxury and poverty, to be privileged and to be indigent, I have bled for pains of love and life, even death, I have somehow reached some of my goals and dreams, I have a loving but somewhat challenging family, great friends, I have beaten all the odds of my orientation – I’m proud to be gay and I know in your eyes you don’t love me any less as your son, I’m treated right, I’m accepted  and somehow, You have given me exceptional talents that I have to really work on in order for me to live a fabulous life. I have stood the nostalgic test of time and just like a well – sharpened samurai, I’m ready for almost anything because I know I have You. Loving Father, I want to thank you for all the blessing that you have given me, and my loved ones, for the good health and for the opportunities that you have bestowed on me all this time. Also, I would like to thank all of the people who have helped me in some way and for giving me their respect, love and trust. I am filled with so much gratitude and I have never felt so loved. My biggest THANK YOU!

Father, I ask and pray that you would continue in showering me and my loved ones blessings and opportunities in the years to come, guide us all through the way, help me make the right decisions, protect us from evil, bad company, sickness, and harm, and may there be more help coming from those people who have extended their blessings to me and my family. I couldn’t thank them enough.

I know that I have never really asked for something specific in my life before because I though all the while, it would be inappropriate and that I would be asking for too much from you so I kept it simple and general. Father, you have been my sole witness to all the wonderful and excruciating events of my existence and so I humbly ask specifically all of these things I will be enumerating and it would bring me so much joy if you will grant me these wishes.

I pray that I will have the opportunity to fulfill all the items on my bucket list, Travel and see the world and learn new things and discover new experiences to help me grow as an individual. I want to migrate to another country Father. I ask for inner peace and harmony, for a life of abundance – it may not be too much but just enough to live in comfort, simplicity and with peace of mind. I pray for a life that is mine, a life filled with love and understanding – to be able to live in independence, in private, and in harmony with other people. Also, I pray for more time and energy for me to do all the things that I feel happy doing - recreational stuff for the mind and body, getting involved in an important cause, do charity work and live a spiritual life.

Father, I pray that I will be given the opportunity to not just have a work life but a career. I want a career that is dynamic and on the go. I want my voice to matter and my talents valued. I ask for the opportunity to improve my skills and talents in order for me to excel in the career that I want to be in. I want to wake-up in the morning smiling and rushing to go to work because I love doing it so much. I want to feel like I’m not really working and that I’m just playing and enjoying every minute of it. I want to work abroad again Father. Please help me fulfill all the things I need to do in order for me to go back to Dubai or give me another opportunity to work in a different country, guide me in all of my plans and decisions, and deliver me from all the bad choices that makes my life toxic and stressful. I believe that my success lies not in here but in foreign grounds.

Last but definitely not the least merciful Father, I rarely ask you this but I have decided that I will have to if I want to be happy in my life. I pray for the guy that would be my life-long partner in love. He must be understanding, kind-hearted, sincere, honest, loyal, humble, generous, open-minded, optimistic, sensitive, and who has a personality that compliments mine – and of course, a charming sense of humor. I pray for a guy that I can share a load with in times where I can no longer carry it myself. I want us to support one another, be each other’s “go-to-person” or support system, a best friend. I want to build a mature and loving relationship with him – simple but happy. I want someone who I can really talk to, who is a great listener, and who is sensitive enough to know your needs. I want a life of security with him – in all aspects. I want someone who can share goals with me, plan with me and makes our relationship a priority. I want him to love me as much as I love him. He must be able to respect and accept me in my entirety like I respect and accept him. He must be someone who honors privacy and gives room for both of us to grow as an individual, someone that is emotionally mature in dealing with “inner demons”, issues and challenges along the way, who is very consistent in everything that he does, and who would never give up on the relationship that easily. I pray for someone who will love me for a lifetime and would think that I’m the only handsome guy around even in my worst of moments. I want someone who I can grow old with and who’s got my back for as long as it takes, someone who I can really rely on and feel safe. Physical attributes are a plus but it’s not that important. I want a guy with potential not who is someone ideal. I never dream of a perfect relationship but an imperfectly perfect one where we can both fit in impeccably.

This I ask in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit…Amen!

Love.

Roger Mikaelo L. Lamata jr.

A Rejected Magazine Article...

Collective Fashion Consciousness

By Mikaelo Legaspino

I have always been fascinated in fashion ever since I was small and it has never left the building now that I’m in my mid-twenties. Although, my kind of style is a little bit laid back and effortless – looks like it, but I make it a habit of really thinking on what to wear.

FASHION CONSIOUSNESS whether you are a guy or a girl is evident to those who are in tuned to it. There are some who are exceptions to the rule but at some point of their lives they too had experienced where they had to be conscious of what they were wearing. I guess they just resent the thought of being fashionably conscious because of some weird personal reasons but deep down they still do care about what they put on their backs.

So, I was trying to look for new trends and style on the internet for my blog entry when I came across this unique website – LOOKBOOK.nu. The words “Collective Fashion Consciousness” embedded across the heading caught my attention. It was indeed a collection of fashion forward style. Ensembles that are to die for and worth following, and trends that is worth talking about. It was all there. I couldn’t get myself to finish my blog entries because I was hooked on scanning fabulous pictures of ordinary people in the street modeling their own chic and stylish outfits. This site reminds me of my favorite blog “The Sartorialist” where it showcases real people with real style. No airbrushing, no stylists, no nothing. It’s all real.

What’s the deal with this LOOKBOOK.nu website anyway?

Started in 2008, LOOKBOOK is the largest social community in the web that is geared to showcasing “street style” photography.  Members can document their best shots and dynamic style to make it just like their very own online portfolio.  On the other hand, it also serves as a collective gallery from which non-members and members – Lookbookers as you call them, can draw fashion inspiration from.

Since it is open to the public, community “hypes” can determine the status of your uploaded looks. If the look generates a great deal of “hypes” from the community then it will be placed under the “hot” section where it can be included on the list of the most inspiring looks of the moment.  According to the founders, LOOKBOOk.nu was created to bring together creative, interesting, and open minded fashion and style enthusiasts to be recognized as one of the millions of REAL people around the world who have talents and passion for art and fashion.  They also declared LOOKBOOK as the world’s first, truly editorless fashion magazine.

Am I qualified to be a member?

Why yes you are! You don’t have to be a supermodel or a celebrity to have amazing sense of style! They have stylists, you don’t. You are your own stylist and that is a good reason enough to become a member of this site. It’s open for those who would love to let the world see what they have been keeping in their closets.  This is your time to make a mark. Finally, a place where you can showcase you inner Kate Moss or Marc Jacobs through your looks and trends, a place you can be acknowledged as a woman or a man of style.

Hmmm…What’s in it for me?!

There are so many ways to benefit from this site. Obviously, you get to show off your style through your looks. That vintage Alexander McQueen jacket that you have in your closet that has been waiting to be appreciated and showcased to the world is about to get a dose of the LOOKBOOK limelight. This is also an opportunity for you to enhance and reinvent your style through inspiration and feedback by other members of the community. By posting your inspired looks on LOOKBOOK, you can promote yourself and gain reputation for your blooming career in fashion, photography, business or becoming a self-proclaimed fashion icon. It can be your very own portfolio and can serve as a good reference for future fashion and art opportunities. Last but definitely not the least; it can motivate you to squeeze out those creative juices inside you to create your own trend as inspired by many different original styles from all around the globe.

Want to know what I think?

In my opinion, having this kind of social community in the internet is more or less helpful to those who are talented but doesn’t have a stable platform or the resources to really showcase their capabilities. In order for me to really research about this site, I signed up as a member and was able to explore the fabulous community of LOOKBOOK. There I found art students, amateur photographers, aspiring models, fashion designers, stylists, bloggers, even teachers, bank and corporate employees just to name a few. These people are no A-listers or top models. They are real people who also want to be recognized for who they really are and not by their boring professions.  

I can personally relate to these people. For years I have been trying my best to get my works out there, show the world that I have artistic talents but I was never given a chance to do so. Disappointed, I channeled all my frustrations in social media and blogging.  Through this, I was able to share my thoughts, my ideas and even reveal a different side of me through pictures and write ups. I was able to feel good about myself even just for a moment. Even though publishing companies, fashion and event organizing firms weren’t able to see my potentials at least a bunch of people on the web did and they appreciated it.

There are so many people out there who are like me and LOOKBOOK provided them a beacon of hope.  Having hope is enough for a person to aim and have dreams again.

So what are you guys waiting for? Do you have what it takes to become the next Patrick Demarchelier , Tyra Banks or Tom Ford? I suggest you sign up and start uploading those hot looks you have been dying to reveal to the world. Does that make you feel good? Yes! Join the band wagon and get into the LOOKBOOK limelight! ~

For more info on how to sign up just visit http://www.lookbook.nu

A New Found Respect for Mrs. Clinton

A Surprising LOVE Excerpt...

"The first story of all is my story with you.

It's been such a long time and your love has taken me away.

And inside of my heart, there are unforgettable memories of the days spent with you.

And the last story of all is my story with you.

this is it, I have loved and was loved in return.

I am living beside you as if I were alive for the first time.

I swear that the first beat of my heart was for you.

I swear that the first "I LOVE YOU" was in your arms."

I'm Sorry...

Sorry is never seem to be the hardest word to say when you really mean it. Some people may find it hard to say this word because they are hindered by their pride. It's normal to feel the way they feel, it's in everyone's nature to be proud sometimes.

I had a fight with my best friend last night and it was a bit messy, harsh words were exchanged. Though it was brief, but it was very heavy inside especially when I heard the words every person dreads to hear from a best friend, his exact words were "That is why I hate getting close to anyone...I have made my life comfortable all through these years and then I had to come along..." when I asked if he regrets... and he didn't even let me finish the sentence "Yes! I regret!" he interrupted. All it took was those words to blow me out of my composure. It was like daggers thrown at me. I wasn't able to stop myself from breaking down, it was too painful for me to bare. If the situation would have been reversed, I would have never ever said that to my best friend even if I was thinking it because I know I'm his best friend for a reason and this kind of relationship is never choreographed or planned, it just happens and saying that you regret knowing him will totally crush him to pieces - I was crushed to pieces.

Yes, I was badly hurt but I never took it against him because I understood where he was coming from. A major part of that fight was my fault and so he got a little carried away that is why he had to say what he had to say. I know him very well, he meant every word and that's what makes it really painful. Now, I'm left with  lingering feelings of fear and anxiety. Even though we kissed and made up, at the back of my head, there was this fear of him changing and that he will never be the same Z that he use to be.

It took a lot of courage for me to kneel down in front of him and asked for forgiveness, I have stripped all of my pride and just went for it! He hugged me, then looked at me and said that it was OK but his words and eyes didn't show any compassion at all. I felt that it was out of pity or something which crushed me more. I don't know if he"ll ever look at me, talk, or hold me with compassion ever again but I'm still hoping that he would.

I know in time, he'll learn too love me again if I promise myself not to give him any reasons not to. All of this happening lead me to wonder about forgiveness. Is it possible for someone to forgive and totally forget about what happened? If it was possible to automatically erase the event that happened last night after I said my sorry would things be different than what are things right now? If we could have the ability to erase traumatic events after saying sorry just like in our e-mail inbox that is programmed to automatically erase the e-mails after we sent a reply or read it, would things be different, different in a sense that there won't be any bitterness, awkwardness and all those jazz that comes after a traumatic event? Would it make life more easier and light because everyone is burden free, emotionally? I wish there's a way to do this procedure because as far as me and my best friend are concerned, we forgive but we definitely don't forget, thus explains the awkwardness, cold treatments and bitterness.

I'll probably give him time and space because this moodiness might be caused by his lack of privacy to let random men that he just met on the internet come to his place and pretends to get to know them then sleeps with them. - Do I sound bitter on this note? I'm probably am but what to do, I'm no longer his kind of flavor, so I'll just have to suck it up and just be where he wants me to be - in the best friend category.


Cheerio!

Expiration Date...

I finally had to move out of the villa I was staying in for a couple of months yesterday. I had my whole life here in Dubai fit in just a small travel light luggage, a backpack - can you imagine, me, a backpack...and a plastic Billabong bag. Yup, no movers, just me and my personal stuff. I wish I could tell you that it all went easy breezy but I can't, it was hell! I had to take the bus all the way to Sharjah which is like another city and is like more than thirty minutes away from Dubai via bus. I could only think of one word - excruciating!

Aside from the luggage situation, I totally went all the way, my body gave in too, emotionally that is. I felt really sad while dragging my luggage across the sidewalks. It was as if I was already leaving this place which for the record I'm not really ready yet but I had that overwhelming sense of sadness that it made me teary-eyed.

Learning to love a certain place is definitely a bitch because if your time runs out in that place, you'll end up looking like a wreck from all the drama works and the anxiety of separating and departing. Why has everything in this world become so limited and conditional? Practically everything has an expiration date nowadays. Expiration dates are no longer limited to food or merchandise it has stretched in on relationships, jobs, permits, and even visa status, so basically, people's generic lifestyle has an expiration date aside from the major expiration date which is death of course.

I dread it when the "end-of-the-month" comes, some may like it because this is the time when they get their big fat paychecks but for me, this is where hell in this world starts. Due dates, bills, rent, grace periods, notices, cancellations,  loans, it just keep on coming. As you deal with all of these boring responsibility, at the end of the process, you get drained, not only physically but financially too. Lucky are those who never had to sort out or deal with these kind of mundane activities every month they are totally blessed and boy am I green with envy right now.

Moments like this, I wish I was back at home inside my room crawling in a ball with nothing but a t-shirt on and just isolate myself from the limiting ways of time. When i'm inside that room is as if time didn't exist. No deadlines, no due dates, no grace periods, no nothing. I was free to take my time and think of  strategic moves of what I'm going to be doing next. There, stress was a foreign concept except when I'm suffering from a post traumatic break-up with a certain boyfriend.

With all of this in my mind, I started to wonder, why am i so stressed and affected by these limitations? Yes, I know that in this world, nothing lasts forever, so cliche but damn true. If nothing lasts forever then why do we have to go through all the stress and anxiety, why can't we just have a blunt reaction like nothing happened or changed, life goes on - that kind of reaction. Instead, we have these fluctuation of emotions always making it more complicated than it is. Although some people may have the blunt approach- good for them, it saves them the tears and the extra weight from emotional over eating.

Like everything in this world time is inevitable and sooner or later I will have to face my expiration dates. I'm damn scared of what it would do to me emotionally but I'm already psyched about it. When it comes I will gladly accept it with grace and poise and deal with it's outcome. As another chapter ends, another one starts - and that's the bottom line.

Cheerio!

Sleepless in Sharjah

It's almost midnight and I'm sitting here on my side of the bed contemplating my past decisions. With Z now sleeping soundly, I began to just wonder about my life's journey over the past years. I was like having my own private screening of the series of unfortunate events that has happened to me for these past few months. I must admit I'm not very proud with those bold moves I have decided to do. I was left haunted by the after effects and I'm still suffering the after effects right now as I type my thoughts in this blog.

What the hell was I thinking?? That's the same f-ing question I keep asking myself over and over again. Well, no point in dwelling in the past right, all I have to worry about is the consequences it will bring in the present and in the future. Yippie, boy, I'm in for a really bumpy ride! Although, I still consider myself lucky, I still have Z helping me straighten out all the mess I got myself in to. Somehow, I feel bad and shy because I have to drag him into this mess. The question now is, until when will he be able to put up with my situation? Y'know I get scared by the second. I remember the saying "take life as it comes", I'm starting to hate this saying, It tells me that who knows tomorrow I will get kicked out of UAE and back to my country with not a single penny in my freakin' pocket. What a wonderful homecoming plan huh? Am I suppose to just take that as it is? Hell no! I couldn't wait to see my mom's face when she discovers the truth behind my unexpected return, It'll be priceless! - good thing I bought a camera.

I would want to say that I have everything figured out but honestly I haven't. I still don't have a clue why I pulled all of those nasty and reckless stunts. They say, the first step to recovery and awareness is acknowledging that you have a problem or you have made a mistake. Yup, I have a problem, I have a problem controlling my emotions and I'm way too proud to even think of all the consequences of my silly actions. Another problem is that why can't I manage to stay in a company for a long time? Many self-help books has told me that the reason why I couldn't manage to stay long in a company or work place is that because I don't love what I do and that I have to be in a place where I loved what I was doing or I should be doing what I love doing to be truly successful. Hmmm...I have thought about this for a long time and so far I'm still stuck in the same old shit. It's just like this motivational speaker Bob Proctor said "In order for you to change your life, you have to change your paradigm" by paradigm he is referring to the series of habits encrypted in our subconscious since child birth or in the past that programs all the responses of our body to almost everything.  According to him I should be able to change my paradigm by making new habits. Doing, thinking, saying, or imagining a certain thing or concept over and over again until it gets encrypted in my subconscious. In this way, I would be able to alter my response and eventually, voila! My life changes like night and day! Wow, easier said than done. All I can say is that I'm doomed!

Oh well, I just pray to God that he won't desert me in times of crisis such as like this. I'was never the religious type but I believe that my relationship with God is as intimate as my relationship with my loved ones. I don't need validation and He knows that. Ok I keep on telling myself that I'll be fine and by fine it means freaked out, insecure, neurotic, and emotional. That's just how I am ever since. I know I'll get through this crisis alive - bruised, face-down-the-ground, wreck maybe but alive, that's all that matters. In this way, I still have a chance to get myself cleaned up and be all shiny and new again - ready to start over on a new chapter.


Cheerio!